Modern Manners: An open letter to Loud Man at the gym

 

Dear Loud Man at the gym,

I don't know your name, surprisingly, so I will refer to you as LM, if you don't mind.

Let me begin by congratulating you on how regularly you exercise. You are always at the gym when I am, and I suspect that you are there on the days when I am not. I know you are a creature of habit, because of the way you park your car, and the bag you always carry, but then, most of us gym goers are probably like that.

However, I am fast approaching information overload due to your loud conversations with

1.    people you know at the gym
2.    people you don't know at the gym

Too Much Information

LM, I am learning far too much about you, and about other people. I have tried to block you out with my ear buds and podcasts, but it just isn't working. We are a captive audience in the cardio room- all walking, running, rowing, pedalling or stepping- and going absolutely nowhere. In some cases we are tethered to the equipment with safety cords. No matter how hard we try, we just can't escape you.

 

What I Know About You (even if I don't want to)

Here are some of the things I have learned about you

1.    You were feeling unwell last week. You had pain in your man-parts when you peed. You consulted two of the women in the cardio room. Each of them was quite softly spoken, but your habit of repeating, loudly, their advice meant that we all heard it. Cranberry juice was recommended, and a prompt visit to the doctor, since it sounded like a urinary tract infection.

2.    You have recovered from your UTI. The ultrasound results are all clear and it was probably just a one off. I'm so pleased for you.

3.    You were conceived in Beirut.

4.    You were born in Austria.

5.    Your father is Spanish.

6.    Your mother is Scottish.

 

Cone of Silence

Let me just address the idea of the captive audience, LM, and give you some advice. Has it ever occurred to you that the person next to you on the machine might not be interested in talking? Check if they have headphones on- gym etiquette tells us that this is a sign that the exerciser wants to be in their own little zone. If you've ever watched Get Smart, this is the gym version of the 'Cone of Silence'.

Be Tactful

You are a very friendly person, and you have learned the art of asking questions of others, as well as revealing a lot about yourself. Congratulations- this shows empathy. However, you need to learn when to BACK OFF, PARDNER! The older gentleman that you interrogated the other day was obviously not keen on continuing the conversation about his wife who is being treated for cancer. I know this, because I was stretching at the rail nearby. Please learn to be tactful and know when to

1.    change the topic of conversation or

2.    let the poor man get onto the exercise bike and work out in peace.

Some final advice

As I said earlier, I admire your dedication to your fitness and health. Your openness is commendable, as is your friendliness. You are a nice guy. But you need to pull back a bit. Think of how much extra effort you could put into your workout if you didn't talk loudly all the time! Take advantage of the free wi fi or the television options on the screen in front of you. Download your favourite music and cycle to your heart's content. This will help to overcome what you no doubt have developed- serious neck pain from constantly having your head turned to the side, when exercising. This will lead to a saving in physio bills to rectify your crook neck.

And finally, calm will once more descend on the cardio room. The only sounds heard will be the thudding of feet, the whirl of the rowing machine, and the soft audio track playing through the speakers in the ceiling. Bliss!

Yours sincerely

The woman with the volume cranked up to the max